Brooke, vegetables. Vegetables, Brooke.

Don’t they look lost and lonely on my counter?

After a nice little rally from New Years to Mardi Gras, and then a month straight of King Cake and margaritas, I have reintroduced fruits and vegetables to the diet. They were kind of shaky on the way home from the grocery, and they were very quiet all night, sort of clumping together and looking around nervously. I told them they’d get used to it, and they didn’t really protest. They just sat there and eyed the frosted frog cookies trying to creep up on them from the left. They are a smart bunch.

Yes, I know I’m weird.

Lets get this party started.

Dear B,

Wear less sweatpants. This is the beauty of a tropical climate. You own a thousand cute outfits that are perfectly wearable year round. Hello?

Do not wait until the last minute to read an entire semester’s worth of articles. You are paying a trillion dollars for this education, so you might as well learn actual theories and not just Marva Lewis’s notes on attachment via overhead (read: iChat).

Get more than 6 hours of sleep per night. This will likely mean limiting midnight back-to-back episodes of Chelsea Lately and Sex and the City. You will manage.

Remember the athletic center you are forced to pay $900 a semester to use? Go to it. Your friends used to have to come pick you up because you rode your bike too long and too far. Figure out where that bike riding joy went and reinstate it. Except, don't ride yourself silly in New Orleans. You will get kidnapped.

Do not drink Diet Coke for breakfast. Start each morning with a giant glass of water. End each day with a giant glass of water. If you must have the Diet Coke, at least buy it from the machine where Molly won $1.25 and haunted house tickets.

Stop writing emails on Ambien. If you send an email after 10 pm, there’s a good chance it was written under the influence (cough, Judy Lewis). You are not more hilarious on Ambien. You simply have no filter. Find the tool on gmail that screens for irresponsible emailing and enable it.

Stop being so afraid of new things the first time around. They always turn out just fine.

Be patient. Timing is everything.

Clean your apartment so you can begin hosting the over-promised, under-delivered hot tub reading parties and Sex and the City Sundays. Your home should be your place. That means you should be able to walk through it without having to scale piles of clothes.

Purchase cleaning supplies and hangers.

Be intentional with keep-in-touch-Sunday even when other things try to crowd it out. Relationships are most important. Don't forget.

Ski. You know you want to.

You are about to become an intern again. Be yourself and trust that who you are is good enough, cool enough, nice enough, honest enough, funny enough, pretty enough, smart enough and competent enough.

Embrace the next eight months and try everything. You’ll never get this season back.

Graduate! It’s sort of the point.

Allow God to lead your heart. He did a fantastic job in 2008, and if you pay attention, your whole life could be as amazing.

Love,
B.

2008, we did the best we could.

January Moved to Belize. *Carry-on bag wouldn’t fit in the overhead compartment. Attendant made me take out bulge on top, which happened to be a Ziploc gallon-sized bag of underwear. Held underwear on lap for duration of the flight.

Lived on an Iguana reserve. Learned how to do laundry with a hose. Experienced Belizean wedding and funeral in the same week. Set out to teach everything I knew about conflict resolution, drugs, and AIDS. Learned everything I know about love. Got accepted into grad school.

February Caught a parasite, hiked to the top of a ruin, swam in a cave, experienced my first Belizean election and confirmation. Fought a piñata. Lost.





March Overcame fear of spiders. Discovered a new love for choco-bananas. Played with a monkey. Met real Guatemalan Indians in Guatemala. Bought skirt from them. Watched the Ruta Maya river race. Said goodbye to the Caribbean. Understood that life would never be the same.





April Got a niece! Heart opened a little wider. Fell in love with her.
Turned 27. Panicked. Cut my own bangs.



May Got another step-family. Danced! Celebrated! Laughed!
First laid eyes on my new city, New Orleans. Stabbed my foot with a parking lot spike.





June Went back to work at Boys and Girls Club. Happy to find that I still loved the kids. Got shingles. Thought I was dying.





July Sold everything I owned on Craigslist. Moved out of Fort Wayne (ten years!) Received Carrie Bradshaw as a parting gift.



August Moved to New Orleans. Found the two-story target, which I had previously thought was an urban legend. Took a family vacation to Destin. Came back. Became acquainted with city life. Loved it. Went to Tulane for student orientation after a month of waiting. Got evacuated for Gustav at lunch.



September Stayed evacuated for two and a half weeks. Went back to school. Dropped ten pounds for lack of friends.

October Made friends! Gained ten pounds. Heard that Taylor Fort Wayne would be closing. Felt orphaned. Dressed up like a ninja and fought pirates on Jackson square.



November Watched history unfold in the TSSW building with snacks and wine. Found out Bry and Jess are pregnant again. Went to Belize. Delivered school supplies. Painted a cafeteria. Provided flood relief with two armed guards on the Guatemalan border. Became acquainted with Big Mac and Quarter Pounder, the tarantulas. Realized I had not overcome fear of spiders. Had the sweetest reunions I could ever imagine at San Marcos School.







Learned that a plan is usually unfolding around me even when I am not still or patient enough to see it. Discovered that if I feel lost even for a second, all I have to do is ask for help. Understood the beauty in a prayer that goes, “Hi God, I’m an idiot and I don’t trust myself. Could you make this one clear for me?” Trusted completely. Found out I am purposed. Convinced Tulane I am purposed. Doing last semester internship in Belize!

December Wrote a thousand papers. Failed a final. Got all A’s!
Watched snow fall in New Orleans. Saw Lily take her first 3 steps.
Went to Chicago. Smile.

stirrups doctor indonesia me

I have this little thing on my page that keeps track of page referrals.

The following is a list of actual google searches that directed poor, searching (apparently ill) people to this page:

immunization clinic
life changing moments in paris
can we feel parasites
homecoming
lifechanging unemployment stories
shingles versus scabies
blood in stool turned out okay
in 19th week the baby moments feel continuously
amoeba parasite antibiotic

stirrups doctor indonesia me
avelut engagement
laws of avelut for shabbat

I'm happy to know my words are out there as a resource for immunization-seeking, parasitic, shingly OR scabie ridden people who have blood in their stool but want it to turn out okay, for those seeking life-changing moments in either Paris or unemployment, for pregnant women in 19th week, and also for the Jewish.

Thank you for keeping this page active. I salute you and wish you the best of health.

Please make a U-turn

I got up early today and ate breakfast at the car dealership: cookies, popcorn and Diet Coke. They had a dimly lit area for people who wanted to relax and read, a movie theater for the kids, couches, tables, WiFi, cable, cookies, coffee, popcorn and Diet coke. My own kitchen only has, like, one cinnamon & brown sugar Pop-tart and half a head of cabbage. Plus I keep selling my furniture, so its kind of bare. I just really needed a nice morning out, you know?

If only my car needed a repair.

(Just kidding- today I actually am getting a repair, courtesy of the economic stimulus check, not my recent 4 hours of employment.)

Sunroof, this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship.

Also, I got this new GPS system a few weeks ago, mostly for New Orleans- yes, I am afraid to get lost somewhere and end up in a wetland or, like, the eastside or something- so Sprinky and I gave it a whirl on our way to Chicago.

Navigon lady (that’s what I call her) directed us into the city just fine, but downtown she forced us around the block 40 times and ordered us to make U-turns every 5 seconds. We were just trying to get from the train station to the hotel. She kept saying things like, “Please turn left. Turn left now,” into a fountain or tulip garden, which is sketchy. I think she is alive and thinks she’s funny or something.

The thing is, I’m not supposed to drive and operate the Navigon at the same time. Apparently it is unsafe (so what if I almost sideswiped 4 cars and pulled over in a taxi lane? Its not like I hit anyone) and makes it hard for the system to locate me.

But the Chicago streets wait for no one. So she kept getting more frustrated with her unfulfilled U-turn and left turn commands and we just made fun of her for trying to make us left-turn into a street post. Of course we eventually realized we were lost on every street corner so I stopped the car, reprogrammed the directions, waited for the satellite to locate me and found the hotel in less than 5 minutes.

I think Navigon would have liked to have yelled, “Are you retarded? Just freakin pull over and listen to me! This is my job- I know what I’m doing!” But she couldn’t. Plus, she’s monotone. So she had no choice but to continually recalculate my route. After that, I believe her continuous U-turn commands were passive aggressive attempts to get back at me for not believing her.

I handed over my keys to valet guy and apologized to Navigon lady.

The next day I set her on “pedestrian” mode so we could walk around the city and find our way to Millennium Park. Of course, the very first thing she did was tell us to make a u-turn right there on the sidewalk.

I knew she would hold a grudge.

I turned her off (but I swear I heard laughing in my purse) and found my own way to the park. Turns out, we should have made a u-turn. I’m pretty sure the next time I turn her on, she’s going to say in her little navigon voice: “You stupid idiot. Please make a u-turn now.” And she’ll be right.

Then when I say “Taco Bell” she’ll say “Hell to the no! You need to drop about 20.”

Stupid Navigon lady.

Regardless, we had an excellent weekend in Chicago celebrating birthdays and Wicked. We were thrilled to have a downtown suite, tickets to Wicked, lots of drinks and overpriced food, a meandering walk to Millennium Park, blooming tulips and tassels.

And by tassels, I mean tassels.

Here are a few choice pics.

(Happy birthday to my mom from Sprinky)


Hard Rock


Harder Rock


Next, I’m gonna lower the gas taxes…


Oh, that won’t really help?




(I’m getting out of here)


Chocwat Cwassant


Wicked!


oh, OHH! (Think Amy poehler in Baby Mama)


Mom & Jill


Me: just take a picture of me walking through the tulips
Everyone else: no, i dont think that's a good idea
Me: no, just do it. hurry take a picture.
Cop on scooter: ma'am, you're not allowed to walk in the Tulips. They'll break.



Come to Mama, tulilps


The silver ball (center)


Lower Left


One of Brandon and Oreo 8 years ago, for good measure


And baby Lil, cause I miss her

Brooke vs. Lady

At the risk of sounding desperate and pathetic, can I send this to the Angry Life Changing Email lady?

I’m not sure where it falls on the continuum between being rightfully assertive and crazy-angry, but it feels so good inside. That probably means I should keep it to myself. You know my policy, though: full disclosure. Here goes.

Dear Stacey:

I think you’re right. Clearly, I misunderstood the objective.

I wrote about life-changing moments. You are collecting LIFE CHANGING MOMENTS! The difference (I mean, besides the ALL CAPS which say: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SOMEBODY READ THIS!) is whether or not the alleged “moment” is accessible to the reader in his own life, or entirely out of his reach.

The thing about life changing moments, Stace (can I call you that?) is that they’re different for everyone, and they don’t typically happen with fireworks and a bullhorn, although I’ve heard that in some states an e-mail is sent confirming you’ve just had one. My friend got one. She lives in Arizona.

Anyway, I appreciate your feedback. I have appropriately renamed my collection of short stories: Unauthenticated Life Changing Moments.

Brooke

PS. I've put together a quiz for anyone wondering if they've experienced a TRULY LIFE CHANGING MOMENT. Please take a few moments to answer the following questions:

1. Was your experience accompanied by a bright light? If so, proceed to the next question. If not, please skip to number 10.

2. Did you see any Aliens? If so, proceed to the next question. If not, please skip to number 10.

3. Did people around you congratulate you for your experience? If so, proceed to the next question. If not, please skip to number 10.

4. Have you been contacted by Oprah? If so, continue. If not, please skip to number 10.

5. Did your experience involve at least 3 of the following: a massive car accident, being dead for 40 minutes and coming back to life, inexplicably growing a pair of fairy wings, the realization that your father is actually your half-brother, a magic beanstalk, a 30-day stay in a drug/alcohol treatment facility, a close encounter with a poisonous snake, a chance meeting with Audrina Patrige from The Hills, a unicorn sighting. If so, continue to the next question. If not, please skip to number 10.

6. Have you ever felt like you had extraordinary powers but no one could see them but you? If so, continue to the next question. If not, skip to number 10.

7. Have you ever found yourself at “fork” in the road? If so, continue to the next question. If not, please skip to number 10.

8. While at the fork, did you feel a “tugging” over your soul? Were you inclined to begin narrating your own life out loud? If you answered yes to both questions, continue to number 9. If not, please skip to question 10.

9. Congratulations. You have officially experienced a TRULY LIFE CHANGING MOMENT. Please consider submitting your experience to our new line of books entitled, TRULY LIFE CHANGING MOMENTS.

10. I'm sorry, but you have not experienced a TRULY LIFE CHANGING MOMENT. Please try again at a later date.

Back off, lady.

Hello.
Yes, I’d like some rejection, please.
And then for dessert, I’ll just have a big fat slice of rejection.
Thanks.

I thought unemployment was the worst. Turns out, unemployment is better than rejection.

I got two emails from a publishing company looking to collect inspirational short stories for an upcoming series. They wanted stories about life-changing moments, a thousand words or less, and if they liked what they read, they would hire me on a contract basis to continue to submit stories, and then to interview others with the hopes of uncovering more life-changing moments.

I believed that inspirational life-changing chicken-soup-for-the-soul-ish moments were sort of my thing. I mean, have you seen the blog? They had. So I rewrote some old stories—ones about quitting jobs, moving to other countries, car accidents, death, birth, adoption. I sent in samples of life-changing moments in the middle of life-changing, or sometimes just ordinary, experiences. We had been emailing for days so I could get a clear understanding of what they were looking for. We seemed to be a good match.

In return, I received this:

Brooke,

I may not have been clear; the stories we accept are truly ONLY LIFE CHANGING MOMENTS – not simply nice little stories. Please let me know which of the ones you have attached would be best considered a TRULY LIFE CHANGING MOMENT. Thanks.

Were the ALL CAPS really necessary? Isn’t that sort of aggressive for an email? It’s like she’s yelling at me in type.

For normal people life-changing moments don’t happen with fireworks and a bullhorn. Usually they happen on a stoop or in the back of a pick-up truck or something. I sort of thought the decision to relocate to a developing country would make the cut, or learning how to say 'I love you' in French, or being run over by a semi, or a simple conversation with an 8 year-old from the B&GC. But, apparently, those are not TRULY LIFE CHANGING MOMENTS, and I guess there are people whose entire jobs are to decide which moments in a girl’s life are TRULY LIFE CHANGING or not.

On top of that, I got an email from the Parkview Housekeeping Department thanking me for my application and explaining that they had decided to go with someone more qualified. The housekeeping department.

Where do I go from here?

(Dairy Queen)
(The liquor store)
(The cookie isle)
(Pizza roles)
(Uplifting and encouraging star 88.3)
(Greys/The office/30 Rock)

Birthday. Bangs.

The bad thing about not having a job is that you have time to do things like cut your own bangs. If you look at my bangs, they’re equally proportionate to my life since returning from Belize: sort of aimless and random, but well-intentioned with a touch of frantic. They scream, something good can be done with this space if I could just get it together.

There was lots of cutting and fixing and cutting and fixing, because, well, you know how cutting and fixing goes. I tried to do it exactly how Hannah does it—I twisted them all together and snipped. Then I tried to even them up, but they were short on the left. So I tried to even them up, but they were short on the right. So I tried to even them up and they were short on the left, again. So I tried to even them up, but they were short in the middle. I gave up. Then I tried again the next day, because I still didn’t have a job yet and I had already seen all the E! True Hollywood stories.

My bangs are about 2 inches long now. Gosh.

Also, my birthday was Saturday.

We had a little birthday bash on Thursday night at Cheesecake Factory in Indy with friends and family, which was the best ending to an entire week of baby Lily, my adorable week-old niece. (Most of the time when I look at her, I want to eat her face off. She is that delicious. And by delicious, I mean cute and precious and edible.)







Weekly Lily pics





















On the actual day of my original birth, I made a Belizean Cuisizean dinner in Fort Wayne for a few friends, and then—I’m just going to skip to the punchline here—Elaine from Germany showed up on my doorstep with Doug, home on leave. They spent the night. It was the best birthday surprise ever.











Pay no attention to Scary Sprinky on the bottom.



Sidenote:
Isn’t it weird that I’m 27?
There was a time when I thought 27 year-olds knew everything about life.
Turns out, they’re more like 19 year-olds with 4 grey eyebrows and really short bangs.
(The things I wish I’d known.)

On the upside, I have found that most car dealerships have free popcorn, Diet Coke, coffee, internet and cable. It’s my new thing. Car dealerships.